Why I Stopped Telling My Child to ‘Take a Deep Breath’

“Just take a deep breath.”
It’s something I’ve said to my kids countless times, sometimes calmly, sometimes through gritted teeth.
And for years, I really believed that’s what they needed. A deep breath, a moment of calm, a reset.
But the truth? It rarely helped in the heat of the moment. And the more I said it, the less it worked.

So I had to ask myself — what do kids actually need to regulate?

I’ve been practicing yoga since my first was born. I trained to teach children’s yoga while I was pregnant with my second. Breathwork has always been part of my parenting to some degree.

But here’s the thing: even with all that training, all the tools, all the knowledge… I’d still catch myself saying, “Take a breath!” like it was a magic fix.
And of course it didn’t work. Especially when emotions were high.

Because what I learned (and re-learned, and still practice every day) is that regulation isn’t something we can force, it’s something we model.

One moment sticks with me.

My 7-year-old was having a rough morning. He got overwhelmed, frustrated, and suddenly… he threw his hoody to the ground and starting stomping on it, visibly angry.

I could feel it rising in me, the urge to fix it, stop it, calm him down.
The urge to tell him “Let’s take a breath together.”
But I paused. And I didn’t.

The anger didn’t need to be contained, it needed to be released.

And he was doing this in a safe way, but it was me who felt unsafe because people might be looking, judging. Judging him and judging me as a parent.

Letting our kids feel their feelings sounds so easy, but the reality of it is that sometimes we do try to rush it along. And I don’t know if it’s because we feel more judged than ever, or comparing our own life’s to others much more – with social media etc. But if we want to support our kids self-regulation skills, we have to let them feel what they’re feeling and we have to notice where that makes us feel triggered or uncomfortable, because that is ours to deal with.

That moment with my son…. It passed in under a minute.
He stomped. He released. He moved on.
And because I stayed regulated, it didn’t become a spiral. I didn’t absorb it. He didn’t get shamed.
We both got to move forward, no repair needed, no guilt cycle, no emotional hangover.

Regulation isn’t not having big feelings or being calm all the time. It’s being able to come back to yourself and that is exactly what he did, in his own way. Sometimes we need breath, sometimes we need movement, sometimes we need both.

So what can we do?

I’ve learned (especially as neurospicy family) that practicing regulation during “calm” moments is where the magic happens.

We don’t wait until the meltdown, when overwhelm or overstimulation takes over.
We play with breathwork and calming practices when things feel okay.
We practice so consistently that when the hard moment comes, they already know what to do and they choose to come back to the breath – without me telling them to.

They might not always choose it, and that’s okay too.
What matters is: they’ve been empowered, not controlled.

And I’ve had to do my own emotional work too, through tapping, breath, and healing old stories about being “too soft,” or “not strict enough.”

Turns out, my softness wasn’t weakness. It’s radical parenting courage.

If you’ve ever found yourself stuck in a tough moment — unsure what to say or how to help — I made something for you.

Grab My Free Must Know Breathing Practices Guide to Support Children’s Well-being: Start Calming Down – Together.

These are the playful, practical breath tools I use with my own kids — and they actually work, because they’re practiced, not pressured.

And look out for my new course coming soon – Breathe & Be!