Why Your Calm Isn’t Really Calm: Understanding the Nervous System Baseline for You and Your Child

Today was a day! You know the kind I mean when everything just seems to irritate you. The biggest thing was that EVERY SINGLE TIME that I went to use the bathroom – someone was yelling mum or an argument was breaking out and I was just done. Like can’t a gal just pee in peace? Seriously.

And while that was really annoying, it wasn’t the reason I was snappy and irritable. I was feeling overwhelmed. And everything felt really, really heavy. And instead of having a moments peace to process that… I couldn’t even pee.

We hear it all the time in parenting advice:
“Just stay calm.”
“Be the calm so your child can be calm.”

But here’s what no one tells you:
Sometimes the calm you are desperately trying to show… isn’t actually calm at all.

It’s a forced calm.
A masked calm.
A version of calm that’s happening on the surface while underneath, your body is still holding tension, stress, or anxiety.

And our kids are so in tune with the energy around them.
They can feel that. They know when your energy is a bit off, and it can be confusing if you say you’re fine and you’re really not.

This doesn’t mean we have to unload all our emotions and worries on to our kids tho, right, that is not what I am saying AT ALL. But it is okay to be honest, I am feeling a little frustrated right now or overwhelmed. You don’t need to go into any details and you can even say what you plan to do about it. Sometimes I tell my kids I feel X so I’m just going to go take a few minutes in my room to do a breathing or tapping practice. Or I say I feel X right now so I’m just giving myself space to feel that at the moment.

Naming it completely takes away the pressure to force calm while also keeping that connection with our kids.

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Your Baseline Matters More Than You Think

Your nervous system has a baseline. This is your default state when nothing big is happening. The state we naturally return back to.

If your baseline is already a little “on edge” it doesn’t take much to tip you over. You might notice this if you find it really hard to rest or relax. You might always feel a little bit annoyed, or you might always be rushing from one job to another, or you might find yourself scrolling for way longer than you wanted to – almost unable to move. This is a dysregulated baseline.

It’s the same for our kids.

Their baseline is shaped by:

• How well their body processes stress
• How much rest, play, and connection they get
• The stress they’re carrying from earlier experiences (not just from the day but their lifetime)

Here’s the part most people miss:
A dysregulated baseline doesn’t always look like an obvious bad day.
Sometimes kids are still smiling, playing, or getting through school — but because stress and tension builds up, underneath that, their nervous system could still be activated which is why they might seem to jump from 0 to 100 so quickly.

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Stored Stress Isn’t Always About Big Trauma

When I talk about stored stress, parents sometimes think it means their child has had a bad childhood.
Not at all.

I had the most loving, supportive parents and I still stored stress in my body. And even though I do my absolute best for my kids, I know they experience their fair share of stress too.

Because stress is a normal part of life:

• Transitions (like going back to school after a break)
• Busy schedules
• Social dynamics
• Sensory overwhelm
• Even exciting changes

The problem isn’t the stress itself…it’s when we don’t have the tools to release it and reset our baseline.

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Why “Be the Calm” Isn’t the Full Picture

You can tell yourself to “stay calm” all day long, but if your baseline is dysregulated, your version of calm will still feel edgy to your child. And this is when you might find yourself in that cycle of snapping and then apologizing, then feeling guilty for not handling it better.

Children are wired to co-regulate with us, meaning their nervous system is reading your nervous system for cues.

If you’re holding tension in your body, rushing your breath, or feeling restless inside (even if you’re smiling on the outside), they pick up on it.

This is why it’s so important to focus on authentic calm — the kind that comes from your body being in balance, not just your mind telling you to “relax.”

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Regulation Isn’t Just About Calming Down

Here’s another myth I want to address.
Regulation = calm.

Not true.

Regulation is about coming back to balance. Sometimes that means:

• Down-regulation → slowing down, softening, breathing deeply
• Up-regulation → bringing in energy, movement, and activation

For your child, regulation might look like:

• Jumping on the bed
• Spinning in the living room
• Taking a big, loud sigh
• Lying quietly and noticing their breath
• Tapping different pressure points on their body

All of these are valid.
All of these can help reset the nervous system.

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Changing the Baseline: Small Daily Shifts

You can’t always control what happens in your day or your child’s day, but you can influence your baselines.

Daily, consistent practices like:

• Yoga
• Breathwork
• Tapping
• Gentle movement
• Play
• Time for stillness

…help release stored tension so they start the day more grounded and better able to handle challenges.

This isn’t about perfection.
It’s about building in little moments that keep the baseline healthy and flexible.

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Why This Matters for Back to School

Over summer, kids often have more freedom, movement, and downtime.
When school starts back, they face new routines, sensory demands, and social shifts.

If their baseline is already on edge, the transition can feel much harder.
But if their baseline is grounded, they walk in more confident, ready to learn, and better able to advocate for their needs. This could be something as simple as asking for a bathroom break, a movement break, or help with a tricky task.

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Start Here: The Back to School Nervous System Reset

If you want to help your child start the school year feeling more balanced, safe, and confident, I’m hosting a free 5-day challenge called the Back to School Nervous System Reset.

Each morning we’ll spend a few minutes together doing a quick, playful regulation practice you can use with your child — plus a mantra to carry through the day.
By Friday, you’ll have a selection of tools to help your child’s nervous system feel grounded and ready for whatever the school day brings.

Because this isn’t about performing calm.
It’s about embodying it — for you and for your child.

Join here → Back to School Nervous System Reset

(Starts September 1st 2025)

And for one to one support with this you can book a private tapping session with me here:

Calendly – Natasha Bryant