Everything you thought you knew about meltdowns is wrong – Here’s what they really are.

Everything You Thought You Knew About Meltdowns Is Wrong—Here’s What They Really Are

You’ve been there: the sudden tears, the screaming, the flailing arms. Maybe it’s happening in the middle of the shop or just before bedtime. You feel your patience slipping, the judgmental stares of strangers or the worry of “what will the neighbours think?”.

Here’s the truth: most of what we’ve been told about meltdowns is wrong.

Meltdowns aren’t bad behaviour. They’re not something to punish or fix. They’re not even about getting their way. Meltdowns are your child’s overwhelmed nervous system crying out for help.

And here’s the kicker—you can’t teach calm during a meltdown. Trying to do so is like trying to teach someone to swim while they’re already drowning.

If you’ve been feeling frustrated, lost, or unsure of how to respond to your child’s meltdowns, this is the post for you. We’re diving into the real reasons behind these emotional storms, why your child can’t just “calm down,” and—most importantly—how you can support them in building emotional resilience for the long term.

Ready to flip the script on everything you thought you knew? Let’s get into it.

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Meltdown vs. Tantrum: What’s the Difference?

Let’s start by clearing up a common misconception: meltdowns and tantrums are not the same.

• Tantrums are intentional behaviours often driven by frustration, such as not getting what they want or feeling like they’ve lost control of a situation. They’re a child’s way of trying to negotiate or regain a sense of power.
• Meltdowns, on the other hand, are involuntary. They occur when your child’s nervous system is completely overwhelmed—whether by sensory overload, stress, or emotional exhaustion. During a meltdown, your child isn’t trying to push boundaries; they’ve lost their ability to regulate entirely.

This distinction is important because the way we respond to a meltdown must be different. A meltdown isn’t about “discipline” or “teaching a lesson.” It’s about helping your child feel safe and supported so they can return to a regulated state.

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Why Calm Can’t Be Taught During a Meltdown

During a meltdown, your child’s brain is in survival mode. Their fight, flight, or freeze response has been activated, making it nearly impossible for them to process logical information.

Think of it this way: if you were in a stressful situation and someone told you to “just calm down,” would it help? Likely not. The same is true for your child. In these moments, their overwhelmed nervous system isn’t capable of learning.

What your child needs during a meltdown:

• Co-regulation. Your calm presence helps signal to their nervous system that it’s safe to relax.
• Support and understanding. A meltdown is not misbehaviour—it’s a cry for help.
• Patience and grounding. This isn’t the time to teach a lesson; it’s the time to help them find solid emotional ground.

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The Key to Teaching Calm: Practice During Calm Moments

If you want to help your child learn emotional regulation, the work has to happen before the meltdown.

Why? Because emotional regulation is a skill—and like any skill, it takes practice. Your child needs consistent opportunities to learn tools for calming themselves during everyday moments when they’re already feeling safe and connected.

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What You Can Do to Support Your Child

Parents who support their children’s emotional well-being know that teaching calm is a proactive process. Here are some strategies that work:

1. Create Calm Moments
   Introduce playful, consistent practices like yoga, mindfulness, and breathing exercises. These are great ways to teach self-regulation while having fun.
2. Model Emotional Regulation
   Kids learn by watching you. Show them how you use tools like deep breathing or grounding exercises when you’re stressed.
3. Build Connection
   Take time to connect with your child when things are calm. This builds trust and makes it easier for them to rely on you in moments of stress.
4. Recognize Stress Responses
   Understand that behaviours like shouting, withdrawing, or even trying to “be perfect” can all be signs of stress. This awareness helps you respond with compassion instead of frustration.

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Your Role in the Process

When your child is in the middle of a meltdown, it’s not the time for lessons—it’s the time for co-regulation. Help them feel seen, safe, and supported. Then, when the storm has passed, you can focus on building those emotional regulation skills during calmer moments.

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You are not failing as a parent

Meltdowns are not a sign of failure as a parent or a child. They’re an opportunity for growth—for both of you. By practicing calm together in everyday life, you can help your child build resilience, emotional awareness, and the tools they need to navigate their world.

Want to start incorporating mindfulness and yoga into your family’s routine? Check out my Calm & Connect series, where I guide you through fun, simple practices designed to support your child’s emotional well-being—and yours too.

Learn More About Calm & Connect